SPECIAL COVERAGE: How To Get Fired And Alienate Employers With Social Media
So you finally got your lazy ass out of bed, shook off some hangovers, and landed yourself an amazing job any less-than would be ecstatic to have. Only you forgot one thing…it takes work to have a job. Shit! Slap yourself right now because that monthly paycheck and guaranteed roof over your head just made your life a living hell. Off to Facebook to let off some of your steam, but while you’re there, get more creative. Thanks to the power of social media, it’s easier than ever to get rid of that annoying career and go straight back to loserville.
Here’s 5 powerful techniques to use those lightning-fast social networks to become unemployed just as fast.
1. Heckle Your Manager’s Mistake—Who the hell thought it was a good idea to hire you anyhow? Get on Twitter and let the world know how much of a douche bag they were for doing it. Someone on there is bound to pick up your tweet and catch your colleague’s mistake. This happened to one woman who got hired by Cisco and announced to the web, “Cisco just offered me a job! Now I have to weigh the utility of a fatty paycheck against the daily commute to San Jose and hating the work.” Hey, you’re doing them a favor by wasting your time pointing out flaws in their evaluation system—a quick hire and fire.
2. Call your boss a “pervy (sic) wanker”—Now this bright young mind was on to something. We have a thing for terms like pervvy wanker, and it turns out they’re quite effective. That’s exactly what one British lady decided to call her boss on Facebook for giving her “shit work” all the time. Damn that job—oh well, mission accomplished. Seems she didn’t realize two things—1. She added the perv when she was still happy about landing her new position, and 2. The perv was actually gay. Only two strikes needed. Smart girl. No more “shit work” for her.
3. A bad temper and loose lips are another great way to get prematurely fired, and thanks to social networking you can get the word out about your resentment way faster than your circle of friends ever could. Getting fired has never been so easy. Your boss making stupid policy changes that piss you off? Don’t hold all that resentment inside. Add all your co-workers and rant and rave about it online.
John Gonzalez, a Philadelphia Eagles employee thought it would be a good idea to let everyone know the team was “retarted” when they let Brian Dawkins go. If only they could make breaking up with your spouse this easy.
4. Okay, we all have those days when we get mysteriously “ill” and land a free day off work. Next thing you know you’re hanging out on the beach, drinking Coronas to get rid of a hangover—we think of it as picking up where you left off. But while you’re at it—why not make your vacation last all year? Tell everyone on Facebook about the sly one you pulled on your boss and they’ll likely be so impressed they’ll let you have recess every day. Better yet—post some pictures of your party to rub it in! An employee of Anglo Irish Bank named Kevin Colvin did this and let his employers know his “family emergency” was really a big Halloween bash.
5. If that doesn’t do it, it might be time to get more creative. Good thing you majored in photography. One thing I always thought would be a great idea if I ever found myself working at a fast food restaurant is take a hot tub in the big sink after everyone went home. Of course, in order for this one to work right, you better take some photos and plaster them across MySpace. A couple girls in Redding, CA had the same great idea as me and got a quick ticket to freedom and national fame. Awesome thinking, girls!
So you got a job you didn’t want. No problem—ruin it for yourself and give the rest of us a chance to do something with our lives. Now that you’ve come to terms with why you’ve been a jobless loser for so long, get rid of the inconvenience and regain your freedom while the rest of us use social media and silly things like successful careers to work in our favor.
Post pictures of your adventures while we’re busy working, and we’ll send cash every once in a while for making us laugh and reminding us why we work so hard.